Colleen’s latest post ends up being really timely for me, because it helped to catalyze some sort of vague ideas I had bouncing around in my head. Circumstantial factors helped, too: I happened to see the most recent post pop up on my iPhone while I was sitting in the passenger seat of a DCYF van, riding alongside the Child Protective Services investigator I was shadowing for the day.
We all judge each other, all the time. We rarely say anything about it, of course. If I’m sitting a few tables down from you at a restaurant and see you chewing with your mouth open, I’ll scoff silently. If you see me walking down the street with my shoes untied or my pant cuffs tucked into my socks somehow, you’ll probably experience a little mental snigger. We judge each other’s driving, our choice of romantic partners, our wardrobes, our taste in music, our Facebook posts, our writing, our singing, our posture, and, of course, we judge each other’s parenting.
How often have I caught myself thinking less of someone for making a different parenting choice than I did? More often than I’d like. Cloth diapers vs. disposables. Plastic toys vs. wood. Plastic bottles vs. glass. Sleep training vs. co-sleeping. Strollers vs. baby-wearing. Breast milk vs. formula. Midwives vs. OB-GYNs. Nannies vs. day care. Staying home vs. returning to work. Pacifiers. Junk food. Discipline. Clothing.
(I want to emphasize quickly that although this post has coalesced as something of a response to Colleen’s post (or perhaps it’s simpler to say that it’s inspired by what Colleen wrote) it’s not at all intended as a criticism of anything she said or did. I wholeheartedly agree that, yes, babies belong in car seats, and I applaud her decision to notify the police that this family was being so obviously unsafe. I wish I could say with confidence that I’d have done the same thing. Parenting may be mostly shades of gray, but some things are blank and white, and this is pretty clearly one of them.)
A recent blog post at the New York Times shared the experiences of a lawyer who represents parents accused of abusing or neglecting their children. She describes what happens when the instinct to judge another’s parenting is taken to its logical and legal extreme. To be sure, there are parents out there who should be judged. There are parenting choices that are, simply, objectively, better than others, and some that should never be made at all. Still, that impulse to judge, to disapprove, to intervene can become extremely hard to resist when it’s directed at someone who already has a history of making bad decisions.
I can’t tell you anything about the DCYF case that I witnessed, except to say that it involved a family reacting badly to a crisis that I would expect any family to react badly to. It just happened that this family was already in the system, and so warning signs become red flags, and red flags send white vans driving out from Providence. (I do want to say that the investigator I had the privilege of shadowing handled the entire situation with incredible poise, professionalism, and compassion: I was humbled and impressed.)
I think of myself in my worst parenting moments: when I’m at my wits end and snap at my children, or pull them too roughly out of harm’s way, or say something, exasperated, forgetting that they can understand. I wouldn’t want anyone to witness these moments; I can imagine how they’d look through the eyes of an average, judgmental parent-on-the-street, much less through the eyes of someone bearing the card of the Department of Children, Youth, and Families.
And look at me: even in my worst parenting moments, I’m married to the mother of my children, we both work at good-paying jobs that we enjoy, we have family and friends nearby who are able and willing to help, and we can afford food, shelter, clothing, and quality child care. I have every advantage. When I’m driven to the edge and fail to be the parent I want to be, should I be judged for it? Well, maybe. And so should anyone, perhaps. But parenting is fundamentally about compassion: compassion for our children most of all, but also for ourselves and for each other, each struggling to do the best we can for the ones we love most.
I’ll try to remember that the next time I find myself shaking my head in middle-class disapproval at the parent with the shopping cart full of soda, or the kid I think is over- or under-dressed, or the house that’s full of Fisher-Price instead of Melissa and Doug. And I’ll try especially hard to remember it the next time I have the urge to tell another parent that the way I’m doing it is the right way.
(Still, people: kids go in car seats, infants sleep on their backs, and no honey before age one.)
Very thought-provoking post. Parenting is so very difficult that I can’t even begin to imagine how people handle it without all the advantages that I’m fortunate enough to have. I have tried to train myself to assume, when I’m witnessing parenting that I judge lacking, that I am seeing that parent’s very worst moment of the day. I bet that at least half the time, I am.
Of course, there are kids who are in real danger and suffer real abuse and neglect, and I’m glad we have systems in place to (at least partly, at least some of the time) help those kids. But when we start to define parents by their worst parenting moments rather than their overall parenting, I wonder if we are indeed judging too harshly.
I have a 3 year old who on occasion has tantrums in public (gasp!). When these happen I’m always thinking to myself – if only these innocent bystanders could have seen us yesterday at the park frolicking & giggling or just an hour ago smiling giant Kool Aid smiles having a dance party – if only they knew! But then I remember that the innocent bystanders, some of them, are parents themselves. And while they may be judging, they’re also thinking – I’ve been there. When I see another parent in the midst of dealing with the tantrum, I always try to think about how I feel in those moments – I may throw them a “that was me 20 minutes ago” type smirk or just give them the privacy this very stressful (and unfortunately public) moment deserves.
So, yes it is all about compassion =)
always good to remind ourselves that we are looking at things from our own perspective and everyone becomes who they are and gains their perspective based on a culmination of environmental and genetic factors. When you can look at the world and try on someone else’s perspective, you can try to put judgmental thoughts aside. Realizing that many do not have the means , the information or the position to be doing things differently. Great Blog post!