Prior to having children, I had (what I realize now to be) a very incomplete picture of what life would be like once I became a parent. In this very blurry vision, I had a successful career, I had babies, I worked hard, had some kind of balance. All very Hallmark but not very realistic. As you can tell from my description, I didn’t take into account childcare; I didn’t have visions of daycare drop off or paying for a nanny. I also didn’t consider I would want to stay home with my children.
When my first daughter was born I was overcome with a rush of certainty that my duty was to spend as much time as possible with this new little person. I had never before in my life felt such a conviction for something. At the end of the day (my maternity leave) I couldn’t make the numbers work to follow my gut. We tried daycare for a brief stint and it just wasn’t for us. So my husband and I altered our schedules so we barely saw each other but our daughter was always with one of us. He spent days with her while I worked and he’d drive by once or twice a day for her to nurse. He’d work at night and, while we barely saw one another, we were happy to have an arrangement that jived with our values as a family.
Come baby number 2 and I knew we couldn’t keep on with our wacky scheduling. After many nights of crunching numbers and loooong discussions of whether or not we could have one parent stay at home, we pulled the trigger at the end of my maternity leave and I left corporate America (woohoo!). I’m not a full-time stay-at-home parent but pretty darn close. I’m with my girls a whole heck of a lot and sometimes they drive me to my wits end but those moments are rare compared to the multitude of joyous moments I get to witness. When they’ve fled far from home to live their own lives and raise their own families I’m happy with the choices I’ve made and the memories of these first years I’ll always have with me.
We’ve been very fortunate to have been able to have a childcare situation that always aligns itself with our family values. But it doesn’t just happen by chance. When I worked in corporate America, I had to take the incentive to ask for what I wanted knowing the answer might be no. It never hurts to ask and I got a yes. I had to sacrifice some of my time with my husband when we both decided we’d work opposite schedules but it was well worth it. Scaling down from 2 incomes to 1.5 is no easy task but it’s taught us the beauty of simplicity and brought us closer together. And every move we’ve made has at the heart of it our love for our girls, our family.
From my chats with parents here at Bellani, I know parents come in all varieties – stay-at-home, work-at-home, work-out-of-home, almost-stay-at-home-but-work-really-really-part-time-out-of-home, want-to-work-out-of-home-but-currently-in-transition-but-really-enjoying-spending-time-with-the-kids. I also know every parent does what they need to do for their sanity and in the best interest of their family. Whatever your situation, though, I believe we all are striving for the same thing – balance. If you work out of the home, you’re trying to juggle your professional life with your family life. If you’re home, then you’re trying to figure out a balance between your family responsibilities and time for yourself. No one has it easy even though the grass may seem greener on the other side. Each scenario has it’s pluses and minuses. I’ve shared how our family does things, what does your family do?
~Carla~
We juggled things in a similar fashion. When my daughter was born, we used a home daycare about 20 to 25 hours a week, I worked one day from home, so did my husband and we tailored our hours to be sure she was with us more than anyone else. When #2 came, we adjusted our schedule further and it was hard. I ultimately came home and worked as a consultant, to lighten the load on our schedules. The home daycare eventually became a challenge. The hours were less than we needed and we moved so it was not convenient. We got a nanny, but that was too expensive. We ultimately got an au pair with Cultural Care. We have had au pairs for 3+ years now, and it has worked best for us. I work from home so I have the ability to have my kids right there with me, and have someone paying attention to them while I am knee deep in the computer. It has also been more affordable than the nanny or daycare would have been for two kids.
I can definitely relate to this. I currently work from home part-time with childcare from my wonderful mother-in-law and a regular babysitter. I truly wish I had the time to be home full time and work full time, but alas I’m only human. I miss working a regular schedule, having co-workers to talk to, the feeling of working toward one goal (as opposed to the many goals of many unrelated clients). But (and it surprised the heck out of me because I thought I would be okay with it once he reached toddlerdom and I planned to go back to work full-time), I still can’t stomach the thought of seeing my son for only an hour in the morning and a couple hours at night. And I know my husband, who works full-time and basically makes it possible for me to do what I do, also struggles with this. He wants his career, and we need his income and insurance, but he misses our son. Some days I feel like I have the perfect solution; others I feel like I’m being pulled at all ends: by various clients, my son, my husband, our household, not to mention carving out time for myself. I’m envious of women who feel very sure that staying home full time is what they want to do, as well as the women who feel 100 percent happy leaving their kids with someone else during the week. For now, though, my part-time stay-at-home-mom/part-time work-at-home career woman persona is working, however precariously. And ultimately, what I’ve learned is a) flexibility is key (circumstances are always changing) and b) that I’m incredibly fortunate to have all the options that I do.