Before I had Zachary I wasn’t really sure if kids were in my future. I had some serious upward momentum on the career ladder and thought for sure kids would slow me down. Plus….I had my dogs who essentially stayed babies their whole lives and loved me unconditionally. And bonus, all I had to do was feed them and let them sit next to me on the couch.
But one day I had a change of heart and professed to my husband, “I think I want to have a baby.” I thought it would take awhile to actually get pregnant so maybe this is why I didn’t mind trying to have a baby because well let’s not kid ourselves…..the “trying part” of trying to have a baby is a whole lot of fun. That is until you actually get pregnant! Of course I became pregnant immediately. I was both elated and anxious. I kinda felt like I let my guard down. The one thing I had been preventing since (I’m gonna lie and say since I got married just in case my Dad or Mother-in-Law were to read this) adulthood, I now let happen. It felt weird but cool at the same time.
I never had any morning sickness, fatigue, etc. I basically had a textbook pregnancy. I spent the next 9 months preparing for Zachary’s arrival. His room was ready a week after I found out he was a boy and all baby gear including things he wouldn’t use until close to age 1 were assembled and ready to be played with…even with fresh batteries in place!
When it came time for me to deliver, the birth was pretty textbook as well. Textbook according to what women experience these days at least. Induction, Epidural, Baby. It wasn’t what I wanted but I had visions of grandeur whereby I’d have a natural birth without actually preparing myself for one. And since I didn’t know any better at the time, I took the induction that was offered. He was born just a few hours after the pitocin started dripping. My beautiful baby boy was born 6lbs 7oz on June 19th, 2007. I thought for sure he’d be a 10lb baby especially since I’d gained close to 60lbs!
I never read in any baby books what would happen after my baby was born. I just assumed that I would love him immediately. This wasn’t the case. I marveled at the fact that microscopic genetic material from my husband and I created this beautiful baby boy. Yes…I am a huge science nerd! But deep down inside something wasn’t right. I kept saying, “Where is my sister and when is she coming to get this kid?” You see my sister was the one with the kids, the one who always babysat as a teen. I was never asked to babysit as a teenager….probably because I was afraid of babies. I brought Zachary home and cared for him not because I wanted to but because I had to. I shamefully admit that I didn’t love him; there was no “Love at First sight” for me at least not for the first month.
I push back tears as I write this to think there was a time when I didn’t love my child. Anyone who knows me now will find this hard to believe because Zachary is my whole world. I don’t know how I got through that first month but I did. I love to tell him that he made me a Mommy which is by far the most cherished career position I will ever hold.
What a wonderful look at your journey into motherhood! We’ve known you all along this journey and think your kids are lucky you had a change of heart. You’re an amazing mom, Melissa!
I can so relate about the love at first sight bit. With my first born I was smitten before she was even here but with my second it took awhile. She was colicky and it was a while before we really got to know her. It was a slow fall into love with her but now we’re mad about her =) I don’t think enough parents ever admit that they’re not crazy about their babies right off the bat. Thanks for sharing!
I believe many families go through the same feelings you had of not being in love at first. For a multitude of reasons, this is pretty normal. How often in life do you really fall in love at first sight? The wonderful part is that we care for our own even though we aren’t head over heels! Thank you so much for sharing your story, I am sure there is more than one person nodding in agreement as they read it.