This past weekend my husband’s grandmother passed away. Our daughters knew her as great-grandma and they loved nothing more than searching for Easter eggs (year round) in her backyard. She died of cancer after a battle a little more than a year long. As a wife, daughter-in-law, granddaughter-in-law (you get it), my heart aches for how much I know loved ones are hurting. I myself am feeling incredibly grateful for having known her and heavy with the task of keeping her wonderful memory alive.
All those emotions, though, are completely overshadowed by my role as a parent. In the days leading up to great-grandma’s death, I worried non-stop about how to talk to our almost 3 year old about death. At this age, she understands everything and then some and asks lots and lots of questions. I didn’t want to tell her great-grandma had fallen asleep and wasn’t waking up. She might think the same would happen to her or us. If I told her boo boo (how we referred to the cancer) had gotten worse and now she wouldn’t be coming back, then she might think all boo boos made people disappear. Oh and then the question of religion. Heaven, angels, soul, spirit. And what about the wake, funeral and the burial? Tricky stuff.
I felt a bit lost so I turned to my trusty friend the internet. I found some helpful information that reinforced some of my own concerns and gave me good perspective on how to approach the news. When grandma died we did not immediately tell our daughter; we felt it was best to wait until she asked (she often asks about relatives) or until we were headed over to visit with great-grandpa. Once she did ask, we told her honestly that great-grandma had died and was in heaven. We connected the concept of death to feeding time for her frogs which involves crickets. We reminded her that there are sometimes dead crickets in the tank and she seemed to make a connection in her mind that satisfied her curiosity about this new word in her vocabulary. She asked us what she was doing in heaven and I responded b y telling her I wasn’t sure. So I asked what she thought great-grandma was up to. Her response? She’s flying with the birds. For now, this seems to satisfy her. We won’t be giving any more information than necessary; less is more.
In the next few days, we have lots of post-death duties to attend to. My husband and I are following our parental instinct and leaving our children home. We believe young children are very in tune to the emotions around them without fully understanding what they mean. With that in mind, we don’t think it’s fair to burden our girls with everyone else’s feelings of sadness. I also think it’s not respectful to everyone else attending to bring young children who might get restless and noisy. It’s a time to mourn and connect with other people who love the deceased. I know some folks will disagree and welcome young children at such events but for our kids, we prefer to keep them home.
This is how we’ve approached this very difficult and sad event. Without a doubt, we will cross this bridge again and have to answer questions the next time a loved one dies. I’ve learned a lot about how to handle things this time around but I’d love to hear from real parents who’ve dealt with talking about death with young children. How have you explained it? How do you handle related events? Do your children attend or stay home? How do you respond to curious questions long after the death?
~Carla~
When my oldest daughter was two and lost her great-grandma we relied on our faith to help explain the loss, and simply told her Nangi had been sick and had gone to heaven. We also felt it would have been inappropriate and confusing for her to attend the wake and funeral. When she was eight and lost her great-grandfather (with whom she was very close) it was more complicated because we believed she needed to have closure. We chose to allow her to attend the wake, but not the funeral. It was a tough decision, but looking back I am thankful because it gave her a chance to say good bye. I have always believed beng honest about the situation is very important. I feel that to say a loved one has simply gone away on a trip or something similar to that can create a sense of abandonment or distrust. The best thing to do is trust your instincts. No one knows your children and what they can handle better than you do.